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Wednesday, July 18, 2018

The Let Down

June 26, 2016 First off  I want to apologize for being MIA! The past month has been a little crazy. We moved twice technically, and I was in Denver for 10 whole days. Right when we came home from Denver we moved into our house, and now we are finally settled in. So our lives can finally start getting back to normal! One of the hardest parts about TTC for me, is the long two-week wait!  I wait 14 days to ovulate, I get to pee on bunches of OPKs waiting for the positive. Then I finally see it... and I always say to myself "This is my month, this is my baby month... This is our month." Then the longest two weeks of my life start... I woke up feeling nauseous, I'm pregnant. I randomly craved mustard and I hate mustard, I'm pregnant. I felt a small twinge in my pelvis area, I'm pregnant. The smell of lunch meat made my stomach turn, I'm pregnant. You get the idea. Every single thing that happens to me is all the sudden a pregnancy symptom, doesn't matter what it is! All I have to do it wait 9-12 days to start taking tests. Even though I know it'll be too soon. Kudos to my awesome husband who I'm sure sets aside a pregnancy test fund each month, cause sometimes I go a little crazy. The first negative is always the easiest, because I know that I'm taking the test a few days early. I just can't help myself. Wait a few more days and take another. I'm usually a little more hopeful. And again I whisper to myself, "This is my month, this is my baby month... This is our month." The test is negative. At this point i usually feel like all hope is lost, and that maybe we will have better luck next month... But probably not. Last month, my period was 7 days late. I'm usually a very regular person. 7 days late while TTC is a huge deal. Everyday I take a test. And everyday I get another negative. But don't worry because some women don't get positives for weeks, and some women don't ever get a HPT positive. They have to go in for their blood test. Being as hopeful as I can be I make an appointment for my blood test. The next morning I start my period. And my heart breaks because I thought it was my month. I thought it was all over. I've just experienced all of these symptoms and a late period... and it was all for nothing. I was let down... again... By my own body! And that is such a conflicting feeling. Everyone can tell me a million things like... You are way to young, so it's probably for the better. But WE are ready. Go travel the world and then have kids. My kind of travel is to Disneyland... and I wanna take my kids there. Don't think about it... it'll happen. Okay I believed that 9 months ago and here we are. I try to listen to the advice others give me. And I try so hard not to be super negative. But this hurts. Every month I build myself up, I do all sorts of things to aid fertility. And every month I'm let down. This isn't a post about something sad that happened and how it changed my life for the better. This is a post about me being hurt, and trying to always be okay. This post is about me being very honest about how I feel. About how I want to give up trying every other day. About how my husband some days doesn't have the right words, not because he doesn't try, but because only one thing could change this. One day... I may get my second pink line... but today I am still let down. 

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