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Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Our Life Change

My last post was a little bit of a cliff hanger and I'm sorry. But this deserved its own post. So if this is your first time reading please go back and read my post Since We Spoke Last...

April 17th. It was a Monday the day after easter. I was cleaning, packing and getting ready to start my week. Like I said in my last post I decided to take a test to double check. I was expecting my period and the meds I was going to be taking,  needed to be taken while I had my period. I took the test and set it on my window seal and carried on with what I was doing. i was expecting a negative, because thats just what I knew. When I came back... much to my surprise there was a second line... not a squinter... but A SECOND LINE. So I panicked.





It's the Pinterest dream to surprise your husband with a cute pregnancy announcement. Not me. I sent him a picture and called him sobbing. Because although I was filled with so much joy... I was actually terrified. I had lost 3 babies. That is all I knew. I was so scared that, what felt like the inevitable, was happening again. Don't get me wrong there was excitement, and thoughts of the perfect rainbow baby that would come from this. But there was also guilt and doubt... Why did I deserve another blessing, when my body isn't even able to carry very far.... Why did I have to loss 3 other babies... Why were they not good enough... I went to a pretty dark place in the beginning of my pregnancy, and as hard as it was, it brought me healing. Every loss and every hurt prepared me to be the mother I am today. I'll never fully know why I had to lose 3 angels, but I will always hold them in my heart.

Of course I took about 100 more pregnancy tests... all positive! Next was the blood work I had to get one draw, and 48 hours later another to make sure those levels are rising. Plus I had to wait another day for those results, those were the longest day ever. 180 was my first number... and 365 was my next... 1 above double. The moment I got that call was the moment that I felt like this was all going to be real. Our rainbow baby was coming... we had our storm and we were finally about to see the rainbow at the end of it. Deciding to share our news with the world, at only 4 weeks, was a no brainer. If I was  only going to carry the baby for a little bit longer, I wanted to celebrate everyday, so I did!

Baby Lindsey due December 22, 2017

8 comments:

  1. I just love reading your story! I'm so glad your rainbow baby came <3

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  2. Congratulations on your rainbow! I lost two babies myself and I found out that I was pregnant with my rainbow May 1st 2017. My baby boy is 6 months old now and Im in awe every day. I totally understand both the fear and anxiety, as well as the desire to celebrate every moment.

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    1. Thank you! Congrats to you also! isn't it amazing to finally be able to love your baby??

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  3. Aw what a super sweet story. Nerve wrecking also.

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  4. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I am so very sorry for the loss of your three little angels. I have also experienced pregnancy loss. I can't say that it ever stops hurting, but please know you are not alone in how you are feeling. I now have two rainbow babies and one in the middle. Good luck with your pregnancy. Sending happy thoughts your way.

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  5. I know how hard it is to share a personal story like this. I miscarried my first pregnancy and was devastated, but it always feels better to speak about it and find other people in similar circumstances. It is terrifying to keep trying, but so worth it for the celebration of success!

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  6. Congrats on your rainbow baby! That is so exciting!

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