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Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Our Angel

May 25, 2016 This is not something that is very easy for me to write about so here it goes... Loss is not something you  can ever be prepared for. In my life I've experienced a lot of loss, with it being family, close friends or just people I knew in passing. All of those losses felt very different and I had to grieve each one a certain way. None of them prepared me for the loss that I was going to experience on March 31, 2016. 6 months of trying to get pregnant came and went and I was at the point of being done trying. It was a lot on me physically and mentally every month. One day, I wasn't feeling very well and decided what the heck I'll take one pregnancy test, it'll be negative, and that's it for the month. Peed on the stick and much to my surprise within 3 minutes I saw a faint line. I looked at it in every light, freaking out. Honestly I didn't believe it because my eyes have tricked me before, so I showed my husband. keep in mind when I think I see "positives" he does not. He saw it! He saw the very faint pink line. I took a few more and saw more pink lines. I could not believe what my eyes had seen! What happened next is truthfully a blur to me. I'm sure it's my mind blocking out the joy I felt, because pain was soon to follow. But I do know we were happy. Happy that the last 6 months of negative tests, late periods, horrible mood swings, and days spent crying in bed... weren't for nothing. It was all worth it because we came out of it with a pregnancy and soon to be a baby. I was going to be a mommy, the best mommy. And my husband, the man who made all my dreams come true, was going to be a daddy. I'm not going to go into the details of how I knew I lost the baby, because that's not something I want to relive but that is what happened. In a small emergency room, with people rushing around us, shoved into what felt like a utility closet. The nurse told us that I was before but am no longer pregnant. Before she could finish her sentence I already had tears flowing down my face. I felt my whole entire world crashing down on me. My body that was supposed to house my child for then next 9 months had failed me. As a mother I had failed my baby. I failed my husband.  I was incapable of doing on the things that God intended for my body to do. It was my fault. I could have done things different. I SHOULD have done things different. My mind was so full of every single thing, over the last few weeks that I could have done wrong. My body felt so empty. That was our perfect little baby that we created together. In 6 weeks and 2 days, we created someone who changed our lives. We may not get to see who our angel turns out looking like, or who he or she will grow up to be. But we do know that our child never had to feel any sort of pain, never went through any hardships in life. They will never feel the heart-break we felt. Our angel was greeted by family and friends that we miss dearly.  We cannot wait until  the day we get to meet our baby! The thought of trying to conceive after our loss was scary but something that had to be brought up. Of course we still want to have a baby, that's all I've ever wanted. To be completely honest, I'm scared. Not to have another loss, but to forget the this one. I know that I have grieved and things are a lot better than they were. But I still hurt, I still miss the thought of what could have been. I just don't want to forget what it felt like to carry this child. I don't want to forget my precious angel.  Mommy and daddy love you and cannot wait for the day we get to meet you and hold you in our arms! 

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