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Monday, July 23, 2018

Pregnancy Rewind

I'm finally pregnant and oh my goodness it's amazing. We told our family and we told the world. The excitement and support was amazing and we couldn't be more happy to finally be in line with our dreams. I am embracing every single, symptom I have... slight morning sickness, extreme exhaustion, crazy cravings and the need to always pee! The weeks start to pass by super fast and then the fun stuff starts happening! Time for an ultrasound... I was so nervous going in. My head was filled with anxious what ifs.... Will there be a heart beat? Did the baby stop growing? Was there even a baby to start with? The ultrasound starts... after a few clicks and pure silence she turns the screen around and there it is, my precious little baby. Then the doctor found the baby's heart beat and to this day I can still remember the way hearing it for the first time made me feel. Im not sure of the actual statitics but I know once the heartbeat is heard the chance for miscarriage decreases significantly. We were over the moon with happiness. This was really happening.

The time finally came for the gender reveal! Mommy's heart said boy but daddy's heart said girl. The plan was to find out during the photos we were having done... but once they told us the results were in   we didn't want to wait any longer. On a 3 way call we got the news that we were having a precious baby girl. Now of course I was happy to have a healthy baby either way... but I can't lie and say there wasn't a little bit of upset that it wasn't a boy. I cried and then did what I do best... I went shopping! Walking through the store I kept saying her name out loud while rubbing my belly. It was then I realized I'm going to have a life long best friend. Someone who will always want to tag along for shopping, cooking, baking, and who will eventually be a mom herself. I get to teach her all the things my mom taught me, and instill all my strength into her. We whole heartedly believe that whatever this little girl does will change the world, because she changed ours. We have had her name picked out for a while, Sailor Augustine Lindsey, our world changer.

Photo Credit: Aliza Wager photography
Over the next few months we had baby showers, maternity pictures, and nursery set up! We were showered with so much love and tons of amazing gifts from friends and family. Being able to celebrate such a huge accomplishment with our supporters was amazing. We are so grateful for the prayers that carried us through our infertility journey and the whole 9 months of my pregnancy. 

I continued to watch my belly grow, and was just counting down the days until my girl was here. Pregnancy is by far one of the hardest things I've done...but it was my favorite. I loved feeling her move and kick and I loved growing everyday knowing that I was creating my perfect angel. Sometimes it was hard to walk, breathe and sleep but looking back it was way more that worth it and I would do it for 9 more months for the same outcome. 

Photo Credit: Ashely Petersen

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Our Life Change

My last post was a little bit of a cliff hanger and I'm sorry. But this deserved its own post. So if this is your first time reading please go back and read my post Since We Spoke Last...

April 17th. It was a Monday the day after easter. I was cleaning, packing and getting ready to start my week. Like I said in my last post I decided to take a test to double check. I was expecting my period and the meds I was going to be taking,  needed to be taken while I had my period. I took the test and set it on my window seal and carried on with what I was doing. i was expecting a negative, because thats just what I knew. When I came back... much to my surprise there was a second line... not a squinter... but A SECOND LINE. So I panicked.

It's the Pinterest dream to surprise your husband with a cute pregnancy announcement. Not me. I sent him a picture and called him sobbing. Because although I was filled with so much joy... I was actually terrified. I had lost 3 babies. That is all I knew. I was so scared that, what felt like the inevitable, was happening again. Don't get me wrong there was excitement, and thoughts of the perfect rainbow baby that would come from this. But there was also guilt and doubt... Why did I deserve another blessing, when my body isn't even able to carry very far.... Why did I have to loss 3 other babies... Why were they not good enough... I went to a pretty dark place in the beginning of my pregnancy, and as hard as it was, it brought me healing. Every loss and every hurt prepared me to be the mother I am today. I'll never fully know why I had to lose 3 angels, but I will always hold them in my heart.

Of course I took about 100 more pregnancy tests... all positive! Next was the blood work I had to get one draw, and 48 hours later another to make sure those levels are rising. Plus I had to wait another day for those results, those were the longest day ever. 180 was my first number... and 365 was my next... 1 above double. The moment I got that call was the moment that I felt like this was all going to be real. Our rainbow baby was coming... we had our storm and we were finally about to see the rainbow at the end of it. Deciding to share our news with the world, at only 4 weeks, was a no brainer. If I was  only going to carry the baby for a little bit longer, I wanted to celebrate everyday, so I did!

Baby Lindsey due December 22, 2017

Since We Last Spoke...

September 2016 was the last time I shared my broken heart. Here is the story to the rest of our journey...
We celebrated the holidays that year with empty arms. It was not an easy end of the year. Despite our last miscarriage, we really grew as a couple. We wanted to go into the next year and conquer all the things that had been on our minds. The beginning of a new year is supposed to be all about fresh starts, new beginnings, change and all things good. So we kissed to bring in the new year, to bring our fresh starts, and new beginnings.

That is absolutely not how 2017 started for us. On the 1st of January, we got a call that my grandpa had a heart attack. This is the man who took part in raising me, and would still to this day, give me the shirt off his back. So you can just imagine the hurt that was felt on that day. We jumped in a car and drove a 1000 miles to be with him during his recovery. I spent almost a whole month by my grandpa's side, and we made some amazing new memories that I'll always cherish. Thankfully he was gaining his strength back and made an amazing recovery!
Back in Texas, Stephen's family was getting the terrible news that his Great grandmother only had a few months to live. We were again broken, to say the least. I didn't know Momo for very long... but you wouldn't have been able to tell. She loved me and treated me like one of her own from day one. The next few months were full of family time, and lots of love. The family surrounded Momo in her last days of life, caring for her every need, taking in every last bit of wisdom. She promised blessing were to come and there is no doubt that she was right. Momo entered into eternity on March 22, 2017. She is greatly missed and I feel so honored that I got to know and love such an incredible woman.
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During all of this hardship and grieving, Stephen and I were still dealing with our infertility. There were lots of doctor visits, blood draws, and ultrasounds... but still no answers. I was prescribed fertility meds... as a last resort to more drastic measures. I took one round of clomid during the month of February and our minds were just not in it. The journey was put on hold, to take some time with family and to get things back in order. This was not an easy choice but we are forever grateful we made that choice. Once we felt like things calmed back down, we decided to give the meds one more try. On the morning of April 17th, 2017 I took a cheap dollar store pregnancy test. My period was due the next day and I had to "double check" before calling the doctor to fill my script.
To be continued.... 


Well here we are again... back to blogging! So much has changed since I last sat down to actually pour my thoughts onto a keyboard. I’ve written small things here and there. And I’ll say it again SOOOO much had changed. I know I have a story( to tell, and I know that I would like to any mommy who is going though the same thing! So stay tuned for what is to come... can’t wait to bring everyone onto the next part of our journey!

Another Angel

From the moment we found out I was expecting, we were so excited. Finally we get to be the parents that we've dreamed of. Finally after 11 month of trying to conceive, we get the baby that we've been dying to kiss and hug. Of  course we still had lots of pregnancy in front of us... but we could do it. I was so excited to learn that I get to carry my baby in my body for 9 months, helping him or her grow. We were of course very scared, but we knew this HAS to be our month. This is what made the last hard 11 month, even more worth it. Having had previous losses, fear was something that was to be expected. But it did not in anyway prepare us for the news that we would be losing our 3rd pregnancy. We thought we could take that news. We will be okay. And then the doctor called. Because of all that had gone on with my body we knew what the outcome would be. There was still a huge part of us that was hopeful, thinking maybe the doctor would say all my levels were normal. We knew right away that we wanted to let people know that I was pregnant, regardless of the outcome! We didn't run and tell the whole world right away but we did tell. Why should it be something for us be quiet about? If just a few weeks of pregnancy is all I will ever get, I want to celebrate the little bit I have. I am thankful for every single second I got to carry my sweet Angel in my body. I am thankful that, this baby made their presence known from early on. Im glad I couldn't get out of bed for a few days, and that I was constantly forgetting things. Not being able to eat the things I love. Going back and forth to the bathroom because I always had to pee! Those are the things I will cherish, because for those short weeks I was growing my baby. We will always remember the moments we dreamed for this baby. We love you and we can't wait for the day we get to hold you in our arms. -Mommy & Daddy

The Let Down

June 26, 2016 First off  I want to apologize for being MIA! The past month has been a little crazy. We moved twice technically, and I was in Denver for 10 whole days. Right when we came home from Denver we moved into our house, and now we are finally settled in. So our lives can finally start getting back to normal! One of the hardest parts about TTC for me, is the long two-week wait!  I wait 14 days to ovulate, I get to pee on bunches of OPKs waiting for the positive. Then I finally see it... and I always say to myself "This is my month, this is my baby month... This is our month." Then the longest two weeks of my life start... I woke up feeling nauseous, I'm pregnant. I randomly craved mustard and I hate mustard, I'm pregnant. I felt a small twinge in my pelvis area, I'm pregnant. The smell of lunch meat made my stomach turn, I'm pregnant. You get the idea. Every single thing that happens to me is all the sudden a pregnancy symptom, doesn't matter what it is! All I have to do it wait 9-12 days to start taking tests. Even though I know it'll be too soon. Kudos to my awesome husband who I'm sure sets aside a pregnancy test fund each month, cause sometimes I go a little crazy. The first negative is always the easiest, because I know that I'm taking the test a few days early. I just can't help myself. Wait a few more days and take another. I'm usually a little more hopeful. And again I whisper to myself, "This is my month, this is my baby month... This is our month." The test is negative. At this point i usually feel like all hope is lost, and that maybe we will have better luck next month... But probably not. Last month, my period was 7 days late. I'm usually a very regular person. 7 days late while TTC is a huge deal. Everyday I take a test. And everyday I get another negative. But don't worry because some women don't get positives for weeks, and some women don't ever get a HPT positive. They have to go in for their blood test. Being as hopeful as I can be I make an appointment for my blood test. The next morning I start my period. And my heart breaks because I thought it was my month. I thought it was all over. I've just experienced all of these symptoms and a late period... and it was all for nothing. I was let down... again... By my own body! And that is such a conflicting feeling. Everyone can tell me a million things like... You are way to young, so it's probably for the better. But WE are ready. Go travel the world and then have kids. My kind of travel is to Disneyland... and I wanna take my kids there. Don't think about it... it'll happen. Okay I believed that 9 months ago and here we are. I try to listen to the advice others give me. And I try so hard not to be super negative. But this hurts. Every month I build myself up, I do all sorts of things to aid fertility. And every month I'm let down. This isn't a post about something sad that happened and how it changed my life for the better. This is a post about me being hurt, and trying to always be okay. This post is about me being very honest about how I feel. About how I want to give up trying every other day. About how my husband some days doesn't have the right words, not because he doesn't try, but because only one thing could change this. One day... I may get my second pink line... but today I am still let down. 

Dad's View

June3, 2016 First and foremost let me just lay a little disclaimer on you peeps, I myself am no writer of any kind so if you are reading this please don't judge the grammatical errors and spelling errors that you may see, or do, doesn't bother me much! hahaha This all started in October, I might even say that it started before then. My wife and I have always wanted a child, we have felt as if a baby would just the missing piece of our lovely puzzle that we call our life. All we had ever expected was that we were to do the wild thang, and then a few weeks later boom she pees on a stick and then nine months later blammo! A handsome baby boy! (of course every first time dad wants a boy on the first try!) But, unfortunately it hasn't been so simple for the two of us. I have always been a very laid back and chill individual when it comes to intense situations such as this. My wife on the other hand, bless her heart, is most definitely not. The moment something isn't right she is online trying to figure out why and what she can do to prevent it. Which is one of the reasons why I think we click so well together. But some would say that is just a motherly instinct, another reason why I know that she is going to be one hell of a mother. And we were both about to be put to the test. She was pregnant! We were both so damn excited once we saw that pink line show up! (Might I add we had probably looked at 100+ sticks with no luck.) But now we are finally seeing it and to say the least we are extremely ecstatic! Already thinking about what we are going to have and how beautiful this child is going to be. Personally it was hard to hold back tears, not only because it was what we had always wanted, but just seeing the look on my wife's face was, well priceless. She was glowing! And it made me so happy! I was so ready to embark on this journey of parenthood with a woman that felt so strongly about motherhood and is so educated! Sorry I'm just gloating about my wife now! I just can't help it sometimes people!! =) Then the event that I now look back at and just call "The Day" happened. A little backstory, I am a mailman. Well, I guess thats not much of a backstory, more of a fact but I digress. I am out on my route and thinking about none else but yes you guessed it, my baby thats a brewin inside my lovely wife's belly! Not a thing in this world could have brought me down at this point! Then I get the text. My wife is bleeding, and says she needs to go to the doctor so she can figure out what is going on. I meet her there to see her in a room with an IV in her arm awaiting news. About twenty minutes later, though it felt like an eternity, a nurse came back into the room the drop a major bomb. My wife had miscarried. Miscarriage, such a scary word for a young couple that had been working so hard to become pregnant. Much harder for a woman to hear those words I'm more than sure. But, I can honestly say it affected me in such a major way as a man. I wasn't sure why, I didn't know understand why or how this could happen! I thought I had been doing everything right, all I ever wanted was to make my wife the happiest woman on the planet! Why couldn't I do that? Well, it has been three months since that day and I can assure you that I still think about "The Day". What would that child grown up to be? Where would that child have gone in life? Would that child have said mama or dada first? Would they like sports? So many questions race through my head, but I do know one thing. That baby is with Jesus now, and has never had to feel hurt, or pain, or anger, and I have begin to find peace in that. I believe and trust that one day we will have our chance. That one day we will get our beautiful angel! I will never stop believing that, I hold on to my faith in my God that He will bless us. I hold onto this faith not only for myself but also for my wife! Im not sure if many men have ever reached out and have told their story about the man's point of view on this tough subject, I haven't done any research to find out. But, I wanted to just share this story from my side and I really hope that you enjoyed. God bless and if you are going through the same thing then I encourage you to continue to follow your dreams! Do not allow doubt to crowd you! Mark 11:23 I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, 'May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,' and it will happen. But you must REALLY BELIEVE it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. Today and everyday I speak our child's name into existence.And I believe that it will happen. SAL. AJL.

Our Angel

May 25, 2016 This is not something that is very easy for me to write about so here it goes... Loss is not something you  can ever be prepared for. In my life I've experienced a lot of loss, with it being family, close friends or just people I knew in passing. All of those losses felt very different and I had to grieve each one a certain way. None of them prepared me for the loss that I was going to experience on March 31, 2016. 6 months of trying to get pregnant came and went and I was at the point of being done trying. It was a lot on me physically and mentally every month. One day, I wasn't feeling very well and decided what the heck I'll take one pregnancy test, it'll be negative, and that's it for the month. Peed on the stick and much to my surprise within 3 minutes I saw a faint line. I looked at it in every light, freaking out. Honestly I didn't believe it because my eyes have tricked me before, so I showed my husband. keep in mind when I think I see "positives" he does not. He saw it! He saw the very faint pink line. I took a few more and saw more pink lines. I could not believe what my eyes had seen! What happened next is truthfully a blur to me. I'm sure it's my mind blocking out the joy I felt, because pain was soon to follow. But I do know we were happy. Happy that the last 6 months of negative tests, late periods, horrible mood swings, and days spent crying in bed... weren't for nothing. It was all worth it because we came out of it with a pregnancy and soon to be a baby. I was going to be a mommy, the best mommy. And my husband, the man who made all my dreams come true, was going to be a daddy. I'm not going to go into the details of how I knew I lost the baby, because that's not something I want to relive but that is what happened. In a small emergency room, with people rushing around us, shoved into what felt like a utility closet. The nurse told us that I was before but am no longer pregnant. Before she could finish her sentence I already had tears flowing down my face. I felt my whole entire world crashing down on me. My body that was supposed to house my child for then next 9 months had failed me. As a mother I had failed my baby. I failed my husband.  I was incapable of doing on the things that God intended for my body to do. It was my fault. I could have done things different. I SHOULD have done things different. My mind was so full of every single thing, over the last few weeks that I could have done wrong. My body felt so empty. That was our perfect little baby that we created together. In 6 weeks and 2 days, we created someone who changed our lives. We may not get to see who our angel turns out looking like, or who he or she will grow up to be. But we do know that our child never had to feel any sort of pain, never went through any hardships in life. They will never feel the heart-break we felt. Our angel was greeted by family and friends that we miss dearly.  We cannot wait until  the day we get to meet our baby! The thought of trying to conceive after our loss was scary but something that had to be brought up. Of course we still want to have a baby, that's all I've ever wanted. To be completely honest, I'm scared. Not to have another loss, but to forget the this one. I know that I have grieved and things are a lot better than they were. But I still hurt, I still miss the thought of what could have been. I just don't want to forget what it felt like to carry this child. I don't want to forget my precious angel.  Mommy and daddy love you and cannot wait for the day we get to meet you and hold you in our arms! 

Our journey

May 13, 2016 Our journey started a lot like anyone else's... We met, fell in love, got married and wanted to have babies. Even at our young ages(I was 22 and my husband was 24)... We were ready, or as ready as you could ever be! We've talked names, nursery themes, and even how we each of us want to parent. Everything seemed perfect and like it would just be so easy to achieve our dream.

I started doing research on the whole TTC process, cut things out of my daily life and out of my husbands. I started tracking ovulation by taking my Basal body Temperature, and taking prenatal vitamins. I was almost certain that I would be pregnant the first month we started trying... Because that's what we both wanted. Well ignorance truthfully is bliss... I was unaware of the road we were about to head down. Unfortunately not everything worked out to be that way for us... We are now 7 months and a pregnancy loss into all this. I know 7 months TTC isn't very long, it takes healthy couples at our age at least a year to conceive. But to us it feels like forever. I can't help but think if I would have gotten pregnant the first month how different our lives would be. We would be celebrating 7 months of pregnancy, having a baby shower, setting up our baby girl or boys nursery. Packing our hospital bags. We would be ready. Instead I sit and think about all the things we could have possibly done wrong... Was our timing off? Did we not do it right? Did things we both did in our past cause this? Is it me? Is it him?

At this point, we have no diagnosis. For the simple fact that unless I have 3 miscarriages in a row, or try for longer than a year everything is "perfectly fine".  Nothing but routine tests have been ran. Why making someone endure 3 pregnancy losses before providing help is ethical, I'm not sure but I don't make the rules. So to our knowledge I am perfectly fertile and so is my husband. But the fear of the unknown is what scares me. As far as we know, we are able to conceive our own child naturally.
Now down to the whole reason I started this blog. Fertility is something that is usually kept private, which makes perfect sense. It's personal and can sometimes be embarrassing to share those sorts of details. But for me it's a little bit different, I am a very open person! I'm not afraid to talk to anyone about anything. I don't want people to who have recently come into this journey to feel lost. Because that's how I feel. I know I have people to talk to, and I know there are people who are there for me. But there is only so much someone who doesn't understand can say. I want people not feel ashamed or embarrassed. 1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility... 1 in 8!! That is a lot of people! If it wasn't such a hush-hush subject, awareness could be spread to women and couples who think they are alone in this. So if you are struggling with TTC, infertile, or know someone who is... You aren't alone! Seek out help if you haven't already. And remember you don't have to do this alone!

-Mrs. Lindsey

Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you know someone who needs to read this please share!